You Should Know By Now
by cariadrose
Summary: Angela remembers a good moment with Shawn during a bad one. One shot, sorta fluffy. Enjoy!


Shawn Hunter is as weird as they come. I say that because....you'd expect him to be more brooding and angry, given his past. And he seems a little tormented, yes, but usually plays it off as water under the bridge. Like he had some tough shit happen, but he's past it now. Unfortunately, I know better. I've been his on again off again girlfriend for.....far too long.

And he's had a rough time--grew up in a trailer park, he never knew his mom, and his dad actually left him for a long time. Now he was just starting to reconnect with his father and what happens? Chet dies. It's like the universe just can't leave this kid alone. And despite all of this, he is an amazing person, funny, and creative. He offers good advice and despite the way he's been abandoned and hurt, Shawn is fiercely loyal. And when he loves you, it's body and soul. I like to think I know that better than anyone.

He's been my best friend too, at times. Although right now we're broken up and I'm not even really sure why. So while I want to drive him home, make him some tea and lie in bed together and talk, I can't. No, I can't even touch his shoulder right now or hug him. I have to stand here, watching him sit in a plastic chair in a hospital waiting room, watching him fight back tears as I fight back my own.

"Angela," Cory whispers to me. I look up at him. He looks exhausted, clearly upset by the amount of pain heaped once again on his best friend.

"Don't be selfish, okay?"

Even in my grief, I want to punch Cory right in the face. I don't think it's selfish if all I want for myself right now is to take care of Shawn. How can that be selfish? I pull myself back

"What does that mean?"

"It means....I know you want to help him but...you might not be the best thing for him right now."

I open my mouth to argue, but realize....he's right. Shawn can't deal with our messy relationship - whatever it currently is - on top of his father's death.

I shrugged, "You're probably right."

"I know I am, okay? He's my best friend."

I knelt down to pick up my bag, "Yeah I know." I glanced at Shawn and then back at Cory, "You don't have to rub it in."

I took a deep breath and walked past Shawn, without even looking at him. I thought maybe someone said my name, quietly, but I blinked back my tears and just kept walking.

*****  
**

It starts raining just as I pull into the driveway of my father's house. I turn off my car and exhale. It's cold, it's been a long day, everyone I care about is crying....but I still somehow feel better just being here. Despite that the house is empty, it's not the hospital and I'm just glad I'm home. My father will probably be home in a few hours, so I should probably start making dinner... In previous days, Cory and Topanga would have brought Shawn here. All of us would crowd in the kitchen, drinking coffee and even if we didn't talk, it was just what we did. But tonight, Shawn wasn't moving. And for the first time, Cory and Topanga weren't trying to make him. So who knows where Shawn was. Who knows who he's with and what he's doing. Tears stung my eyes. I wanted to know.

The rain started coming down harder. I sighed. Time to move.

I unlocked the front door, tossed my keys on the side table. I dropped my bag and found myself in the kitchen. I stood there for a moment, but it was cold and empty.

_I need a sweater._

Slowly I climbed the stairs to my room. I turned on the lamp and flopped down on my bed, willing myself not to think about the day's events. And for a while, I didn't. But the pictures taped to my walls reminded me of other things. I gazed at the one of Cory, Topanga, Shawn and I all at the park. The one of my father in uniform. The picture of Cory and Shawn at my 17th birthday, laughing about something. My heart stops. The last picture in that row feels like it was taken a million years ago, but it wasn't. It was a couple months ago (how is that even possible?)

It's me and Shawn, lying in this very bed. We're spooning, his arms wrapped around my waist, and head right next to mine, fitting perfectly into my shoulder. One of my arms is over his and the other must have been holding the camera. I'm laughing, and Shawn looks happy but he's not laughing with me. He looks....peaceful. Content. I make myself look away, because I remember what followed this moment perfectly.

***

"Hey guess what." I put the camera down on the carpet beside my bed and turned to face Shawn.

"What."

"We're going to college together!"

Shawn smiled, "Yeah. We are." He pulled me a little closer to him.

"And do you know what that means?"

"Lay it on me."

"Oh come on, Shawn. You have to guess."

Shawn smiled again. He always played my little games.

"It means...more homework."

"Well probably but that's not it."

"It means...we're going to have to go to a frat party."

"I mean maybe but that's still not it. You are terrible at this game today."

"I'm pretty exhausted, Angela. I think I went to 5 graduation parties yesterday."

"It means we're going to live in the same dorm and basically it will be like living together. We can see each other whenever we want."

"But we see each other whenever we want already."

"Yeah but it's still not enough for me." I smiled, playing with the collar of his shirt.

Shawn watched me for a moment, searching my face all serious and soulful looking. I'd gotten used to it by now and just let him do it. Admittedly, when we had first gotten together, his intense gazes had made me squirm; I didn't know why he did it. But as I got to know Shawn, I got to know his serious side. Now when he searched my face like this, it made me feel loved; it felt like he was trying to gaze into my soul and really understand me. But, as is with everything Shawn does, there's always a hint of sadness.

I gazed right back for a while. He focused on my lips, then moved back to my eyes. His fingers smoothed my hair back and rested at my neck. I closed my eyes and breathed in. Come to think of it, I was pretty tired too. I moved closer to Shawn, wanting to curl up in his arms and fall asleep. He kissed my forehead lightly and I smiled without opening my eyes.

"I love when you do that." I whispered.

"I'll have to do it more often then." He said softly.

"Fine by me." I curled into him, and started drifting off to sleep.

"Hey Angela," He sounded far away.

"Yeah?" Is what I meant to mutter back, but I doubt it actually sounded that way.

"You asleep?"

In my head I said no, but I don't think it got as far as my lips.

"I'm....I'm really glad we're going to college together. Because I don't know if I could survive a single day without seeing you. And maybe that's pathetic, but it's the truth."

I became marginally more awake at this, but kept my eyes closed.

"And I won't tell you any of this when you're awake because..well, that's not really fair to make you feel responsible for my happiness and mental well being."

He shifted and I felt a blanket being pulled up over us.

"But you don't even have to do anything. You just smile at me and.....just the fact that you exist.....makes me feel like I finally did something right."

_Wow_. was all I could think to myself as he kissed my forehead again gently, and draped a protective arm over my back.

A few seconds later, he was rubbing my arms quickly

"Hey. Are you awake?" Shawn sounded...urgent?, "Angela, wake up."

I opened my eyes lazily, "Hey, what's up?"

Shawn looked intensely at me, but in a new way.

"Can I tell you something?"

I leaned in to kiss him and laugh at him a little, "Yeah, anything."

Shawn took a long pause, "I love you."

I gazed at him for a moment, taking in the way he looked....terrified. And I didn't mean to, but I laughed. Shawn didn't even look at me blankly, the way he did when he didn't understand what the HELL Cory was going on about. He just looked scared. I caressed his cheek lightly.

"I'm sorry, Shawn, I'm not laughing AT you I just....you look so scared." I smiled at him. Shawn eyes darted away from mine and he gave a noncommittal shrug.

"No, hey." I touched his face again, imploring him to look back at me, "You must know by now that I love you."

And I could see it in his eyes--the years of insecurity and resignment to a life of being walked away from, Shawn said "I would never take that for granted."

My heart hurt at that moment, it physically hurt. "Well, you should. You can now. Because I'm telling you that....I love you, Shawn."

Shawn closed his eyes and I'll never forget what he said next.

"Really?"

I watched him for a moment, and the unbelievable fragility I saw in Shawn for the first time knocked the wind out of me.

_I love this boy. Oh my God of course I do._

I didn't answer but just kissed him, fully and thoroughly, sliding on top of him. When I pulled back, we were both slightly out of breath. Our faces mere inches apart, I looked him straight in his amazing blue eyes and said, "Yes, really. I really do love you."

And he finally smiled, "I believe you." Shawn leaned up to kiss me and I could feel him smiling against my lips. He'd whisper it as we came up for snatches of air "I love you." It went on for a while, kissing and laughing and saying it out loud because we could.

Sometime later, I was lying with my head on his chest, lightly drawing circles on his stomach while he stroked my hair.

"Shawn?"

"Hm?"

"Why were you so scared? What did you think I was gonna do?" I looked up at him, "Storm out angrily?"

Shawn smirked, "No, nothing like that."

silence

"Well?" I prodded.

Shawn stopped stroking my hair. "I uh....I've never told anyone that I love them before."

"Me either." I looked up to find him gazing at me almost in disbelief. I shifted off of him and we lay on our sides, face to face. We watched each other for a while in a comfortable silence. I couldn't help but smile at him. But Shawn stayed completely stone-faced. I sighed.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked softly.

He stared at my wall for a bit, but when he looked back, he looked me right in the eye.

"I've...I've never...loved....anyone before." He said simply.

And I didn't breathe for a second.

"Really?" My voice sounded so small.

This time, Shawn smiled and shook his head as he pulled me closer to him.

"Yeah, really." He paused and studied me for a minute, but this time it wasn't sad at all. His eyes were focused on my lips. And then he looked up and smiled at me, full and wide, "You should know that by now."

***

The memory ended and I was still in my room, but I was alone. And he was out there, and I was here and....nothing felt right about this.

"Angela?" The front door slammed shut.

"Hi Dad." I managed. I grabbed my faded blue cardigan off the floor and when I stood up, I came face to face with the picture. I took it down and put it in a drawer. I pulled the sweater on and looked at the drawer for a moment, then shut it. I'd save it for another day.

It was just so cold today.


End file.
